Pervapalooza

Pervert: a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable.

After months of almost no motivation to write about anything, I have been driven to say my piece about the increase in sexual harassment that has been plaguing our subways since I myself recently fell victim to some “pervy antics”.   I have been to the edge of disgust and back observing perve-tactics and with great displeasure I'll list them in true commutable fashion.

The "slight hover-er" 

The slight hover-er AKA the closeted pervert is that one person that does as the name suggest, hover, usually they will pretend to look intensely at a map, the time on the train, or even outside the window, to give you the idea that their attention is elsewhere as opposed to on you (which it really is). They will stand eerily close to you to the point where you may even feel them breathing. (gross). Don’t be fooled, they are observing you from the peripheral and enjoying every bit of the “almost touching encounter” the only positive thing about the “hoverer” is that they will not make contact.

The "I don't know what I am doing-er"

This perve will enter the train then clumsily brush closely past you, either getting off or on the train, this method is swift and most time undetectable since most people bump into and brush against other individuals as soon as the train door opens. As this name also suggest the perve will seem discombobulated and confused about how to position their body in the packed train which will result in the frisky brush up that appears all too innocent.

The "female pervert"- oh yes we went there!

History has condemned men repeatedly for partaking in perverse-ness but today we will shine the light on the female pervert. Usually we already think in the back of our mind that perverted men look like perverts. However women slide though without notice, they just look and smell too darn good to be perverts right? Wrong. The female pervert is a master of disguise, and she has stealth beyond belief. The double standard makes it difficult to pin point her without men getting all excited, but today she will be condemned. The fervert will partake in acts like, leaning back onto an attractive stranger, she will fall unto you copying the behavior of the “I don’t know what I am doing-er” but these “incidents” will be followed by an apology- touch -and giggle. Then last but not least the boobies on your back trick, oh yes, I know you guys have been there. Don’t fall for it men because be advised that the fervert is almost always crazy and bad catch.

The "wandering hand"

This pervert will pretend his hands have a mind of its own. He will be looking left but the hands are moving right, right to your rear end. He will not at anytime face you. The wandering hand pervert will usually look off into space but contact without confrontation is his aim. One frequent “wandering hand ”incident occurs while holding on to the pole and perv’s hand slides down touching yours. The average person will realize and remove the hand ASAP, but perve’s hand will remain on your hand while he looks away he will not move his hand and will seem annoyed if you dare to move yours.

"Jeepers creepers"  

This is the term I give when an immediate display of perv-antics are shown without concern. Jeepers creepers, will give you a weird vibe almost as soon as he enters, he will stand directly behind you in an empty train.  They will touch, grope, sniff, rub or expose themselves along with any other form of perverse activity. They are not cautious; they have no feelings of remorse. The good news is that their “free ness” is what makes them easier to spot and this can help us to avoid contact, they are usually very direct, so direct that when they attack the victim is usually left in a state of disbelief.

One interesting thing that i have observed, is that perve-actions is in no way restricted to any specific race, sex or age group.  Not enough is being done to inform individuals about what to do if they feel like they have been victimized. “Just tell the police” is usually the answer. Most victims just walk away feeling like trash but wont mention it again, and this is how the perv a polooza continues.

Three steps to aid in the fight against Pervapolooza.

1. Move – move away from the area, don’t wait. The minute you feel your spidey sense tingle, change your location or your position.
2. Turn and face the perv – most of them fear confrontation.

3. Speak -, “excuse me, you are too close” (men you can use this too for the ferverts) – this works as well, it embarrasses the perv, but you might get yelled at if the perv’s fight or flight instinct kicks in and the train is still in motion.

Excuses

How often do you ride the trains then it stops abruptly, then after 10 minutes of silence comes that annoying unclear mumbling attempt of an announcement, sounding like the driver has a mouth full of Cheerios, or rice crispys treats – “excuse me ladies and gentlemen were are delayed because of train traffic ahead of us”... Ugh! Not only is this announcement annoying but also infuriating. Train excuses and sorry announcements comes a dime a dozen, and here are a few of the most popular excuses: - Train traffic ahead - Sick passenger - Waiting for dispatcher - Train track issues /track work - Police investigation - Disabled train - Nothing, just a bunch of useless mumbling - And the best one this train is out of service, everyone please leave the train. (last stop) Do you know that fights are more likely to start while trains are delayed, there's just something about being in a train packed with commuters and train comes to a sudden halt, Immediately you make that deep sigh, but it takes a few minutes for your brain to realize that you are not heading to your destination in a timely fashion, as you would have expected. Next you get restless, Tapping your fingers, yawning, scratching your head, reading those silly ads "buy a New York subway map t-shirt, and matching umbrella and rain boots”…No I think I'll have to pass on that deal. Next you find yourself staring at random people, and you get even more annoyed as they catch you staring and stare back...awkward.

The next natural thing we do is try to look as disgusted as possible and try to have someone,.. anyone concur. This is where irony kicks in, commuters become – “commuter friends”, the conversation starts with how early they woke up for this important business meeting and the line of events that lead up to the train delay. Before we know it we start talking about our kids, our problems, our life, and for a few minutes as the conversations bloom we become human, more open... Forgetting the problems left behind, and the problems we are heading to. Until the train makes that 1st chug, yanking us back to reality, silence sweeps the humanity back under a rug, and then we think to ourselves, why am I talking to a stranger? How long were we stuck here? How will I explain to my boss, man these trains suck! Then we sigh, avoiding all eye contact with our newly found commuter friend (the one minute train stand had ended), We become machines again just a few angry commuters late as hell for work. Fact: I've heard 4 different announcements during a 20 min ride. Commuter safety tip: Each train car door has 2 sections,2 persons are allowed to stand there, one per door no one likes that person that pretends to pass then just stands there in the middle. there is no where for you to hold on to dummy! keep it moving please and thanks.

No butts about it.

In today's society we have learned to carry ourselves appropriately (well at least most of us). We dress uniquely for a specific occasion, we dress to flatter our bodies, and we dress to illustrate our awareness of fashion. Now just like clothes we are also aware of our body types today I am specifically addressing butts, the junk in the trunk, the gluteus maximus and our privates. 

Women! 

·         Carry your junk with grace!

·         No butts over pole!

·         No backs against the pole, give others a chance to hold on

·         Be aware, I see some of you ladies leaning on (strange) men, mainly because they look attractive (but remember, not all perverts/rapists are ugly)

·         If something falls, be modest about bending down or over

·         It might be 2013 but showing crack is still whack

MEN!

·         Be conscious of how you stand while holding the handlebars

·         Also no backs against the pole

·         Sometimes you are standing too close to us and you know it

·         If you have to stretch over or around someone to hold on, you may need to move somewhere else or you just may be a pervert.

·         Trying sitting with your legs closed men! We are all trying to get home (preferably with a seat)

This is one of my recent experiences. Late on a Thursday morning my train is trotting slowly along with only minimum amount of commuters - all seated. As new passengers enter and settle, one man makes his mountain man pose too close to a seated passengers face then all hell broke loose. I'd like to assume the seated passenger was mentally unstable because he proceeded to yell at the standing passenger “dude get your D*** outta my face! Are you crazy?” “Why would you stand here?”  “So close?”  “Get outta here, who puts their D*** in someone’s face ”! While everyone began to ridicule the thug, I started smiling.  I am in no way condoning his actions, but I comprehended his argument. I see this happen to women every day, men standing - women seated (in some cases the man will get up to offer the seat) then before you know it his genitalia region begins drifting towards your face, you may try to turn away but guess what? It’s happening. You may choose to allow it or lose your seat but that decision may not be as easy as we think (some folks love to sit). As usual I emphasize moving to another spot if you can, unless you would rather be uncomfortable, but just think of the fact that you are paying all this money for metro cards and you are unable to ride comfortably, just doesn’t seem fair.

Commutable safety tip: Try to allow a small space on the steps when exiting the subway. Just like a car if someone stops suddenly you definitely will crash into him or her.

"Kids ride"

Commuting with kids with requires a lot of patience. I can admit I hated the phrase "kids should be seen but not heard" growing up, but the youths of our contemporary society demand to be seen, herd, felt and smelt. Almost every sensible person meets a kid-crowed bus or train with an immediate "oh shit" thought. Not to say all kids that I come across in transit are rotten, I'm pretty sure a good75% of them are well mannered. It's that 25% that makes this article worth writing, we have all seen bebe's kids. 1 kid is fine. 2 -3kids (with supervision) is ok. However unsupervised kids in groups will get into mischief faster than you can think to yourself "wow where are these kids parents".

Kids tend to get really loud really fast they are unconcerned, and not to mention discombobulated. Young kids are always under the impression that riding the train is a sight seeing fun-tastic event, they stare, point and sit on the seats backwards and usually fall on some random stranger all to entertain themselves, to which the parent may or may not apologize to you for.

Teens and pre teens stand in groups and are willing to participate in any activity that may catch your attention or rub adults the wrong way. Loud, Lusty sexual conversations, peer bashing to spontaneous sing-along of the latest tunes. But whatever these young bloods decide to do older folks are greatly annoyed.

I've seen this one kid getting scolded by his mom retaliate by kicking another random unsuspecting commuter, and the guy just stood there looking sad, until someone brought it to his mothers attention. And what do you when a child strikes you? Me? I just need to get away from the situation ASAP, if I know one thing, it's that parents get very defensive about children even if the child is more rotten than a weeks old apple stuck in the bottom of a trash can.

As usual stay alert and do not be afraid to keep it moving if you observe suspicious/rotten behavior.

Commutable safety tip: if you need to bring oversized objects on the train (eg. A lazy boy, or a cello) just don't. No one likes or wants to be "that guy".


SsPowell.

Don't shuttle bus me!

A Weekend commuter's worst nightmare is the shuttle bus situation.  To those who are not familiar - As per WIKI: A shuttle bus service is a public transport bus service designed to {quickly} transport people between two points. (Not to be confused with a Space shuttle) hahaha. The MTA usually offers this service whenever track work and maintenance needs to be carried within a specific area (usually on the weekends).  I’ve observed that only in a few instances the train station might exhibit posters to inform commuters about changes in service. The other 85% of the time you get to the bus stop and wait in desperation until the bus finally snails its way to your stop; good news right? The bad news is that it is way too packed to get on. You arrive at the train station you hear that undecipherable message which you just have to assume has something to do with the fact that your bus was late - and the train that usually arrives every 4 minutes is nowhere in sight after 15 minutes. (Sometimes busses are pulled from the route for shuttle purposes)

The thought creeps into your mind but you ignore it until you finally hear a clear announcement in the train that they will be shuttle bussing you. Simultaneously everyone begins murmuring to each other, expressing their disgust as soon as you exit at whatever stop you have to meet the "shittle" bus.

 You usually see a bunch of police officers roaming around to keep some form of order, just in case an angry commuter decides to act on their feeling of total disgust for a 20 min  commute taking 2 hrs.

 Shuttle buses are usually packed and runs along the route of your train line. Ironically the shuttle bus drivers always seem to be way more annoyed than the commuters, more than likely because they have to answer an additional 30 more questions per hour than usual about what stops they will be making.  Can you even imagine a tourist, filled with spirit and adventure, and an upside down map of course sucked into the shuttle bus black hole, lost for a half of eternity? Just the thought of it makes me angry and tired.

 SHUTTLE

S-Sucks teeth (every one does this when the shuttle bus announcement is made)

H-Helpless  (you feel helpless and begin to question the relevance of your destination)

U-Unexpected confusion (what?, where?, why?, when?)

T-Tightly packed busses (cheek to cheek)

T- Time consuming (twenty regular commuting minutes = 1hour in shuttle bus time)

L- Lost in transit (literally)

E- Enraged (self explanatory)

When encountering a shuttle bus situation be prepared to shake out that last bit of patience you had stored up for a rainy day, be alert and try to follow whatever directions the posters or MTA personnel may have to offer no matter how confusing >>See image below<<. Expect to arrive at your destination minimum 15 minutes late. Don’t freak out, and last but not least- no fighting (trains and busses will be extraordinarily packed).

Commuter safety tip: always try to have back up cab fare or a secret metro card. You never know when you might need help getting home or fleeing a scene in a hurry!

Night ride, fright ride...

"The freaks come out at night"

The usual commuter travels between the hours of 7am to around 9:30 pm... But have you ever thought to yourself while laying down at nights-"I wonder what's going on the trains at this time?. No you say? hahaha,ok but  those that have dared to commute during the dark times are witnesses to the sinister characters that ride the trains after commuter hrs.

You have been cordially invited to the bum party; every other cart is usually inhabited by a bum, exuded guts or some other undesirable find.

I have conducted hard hitting research on the List of things my commutable readers have seen being a night rider-

• - Naked bums
• - Giant rats
• - Couples in need of a hotel room
• - Flashers
• - Some random person dressed as a vampire?
• - A regular commuter desperately requesting a smoke from a bum?
• - Deranged clown?
• - Someone so drunk they don't know what direction the train is heading
• - Nicky Manaj? that wasnt nicky bro...

The amount of effort and awareness required to travel during regular commuter hours are doubled on the night shift, where freaks lurk waiting to reveal their freakish nature, where thieves sit still, waiting for an opportunity to pick your apple...gadgets that is.  

Heading home one late night from the Barclay’s center my friend and I was appalled when a young man entered our cart and proceeded to sit across from us dressed in full drag ... Female attire, a fancy wig and the whole works... A pair of dark glasses (at night) and a --full grown mustache? Wow one of these items do not belong. We had to dig deep in order to find the self-control to conduct ourselves appropriately,until we had the opportunity to scamper off dying of laughter. 

In the daytime our expectations are so high without us realizing it, then at nights it lowers ... To accommodate whatever may slither out of the darkness into your train cart but just remember it’s only a night ride, fright ride.

Commutable safety tip: unzipped bags are always an invitation for thieves. Zip up and stay alert till next commutable!

Solicit me - solicit me not!

Solicitors according to bing.com/dictionary means: to try to get something by making insistent requests or pleas.

15th century. Via French < Latin sollicitare "disturb"

Public transport seems to be the perfect market place for solicitation. Have you ever wondered why?

A commuters mind is in a restful and vulnerable state while commuting, and while most choose music or other forms of distraction to pass the time, others fall prey to the fairy tails, dancing, singing, or whatever form craftiness solicitors have to offer.

Kids with candy: "excuse me ladies and gentlemen" commuters are required to help their basketball team get a new uniform. Parents usually go nuts since kids find it hard to refuse candy for $1.00 yet 1 box of Welsh’s fruit snacks available for $20 contains 80 packets. You do the math.

Veterans: back from war no help from the government, this usually gets a great reaction from the older crowd, and people that are familiar with the veteran community.

 

Music makers:  drums, steel pans, mariachi bands, jazz dazzlers, school bands."spoken word"speakers and magicians. Hip-hop beak dancers are usually a big hit with tourists! I guess nowhere else in the world / or country has transportation with live entertainment.

Well dressed: I’ve recently experienced a well dressed man begging for money on the train, unfortunately I immediately turned my music up and did not listen to his story. Not sure what that was about but I was not interested.

Funny signs: Funny signs are usually what softens a new Yorkers heart. If you can make them chuckle you might get some change.

Cartoon characters: Elmo and friends have become quite a hit, by doing nothing. Anyone can show up in a costume and charge a donation to appear in your lovely family photos; out of towners are usually the suckers for a person in full costume even though Halloween has long gone.

Be aware of Scams!

Ever so often a news report will cover subway scam artist stories, and allow commuters to express their shock and outrage (hilarious). So far I have seen, these few :

1.       Old woman ripping commuters off- she pretends to be homelss but after a hard days work of collecting change she hops in her BMW and drives away.

2.       Wheelchair dude. Every one knows this dude, he wheels in begging for change but can be seen walking home after dark.

3.       Young-dancing kid pretends to fall and or hits head. This was very popular at one point, until I saw the act 3 different times, how sad.

Who do you give your money 2 and why

I have done a little research on one of The Richest Beggars in The World, say hello to Ken Johnson, 52 is one of the richest beggar in the world. He begins his morning begging by sitting near the Myer shop at Sydney Central Business District in New South Wales, Australia. His routine is consistent, close to 16 hours everyday. After some time he began to notice that his cardboard sign makes him more money, generally he would make between $60 and $120 everyday. On a good day he makes close to $300. His total income rose to around $40,000 every year. This is just one of the largest annual incomes recorded from begging activity.

I honestly believe everyone has a soft spot for at least one of the usual solicitation tales we come across daily however before you disburse the donations remember that these stories are usually devised to get a generous reaction from the victim (yes that’s you).

 http://thegrio.com/2011/12/06/new-york-city-man-makes-55000-a-year-selling-candy-on-train/

Commutable safety tip: If you decide to be a door hugger (like me) ensure your clothes, bag, hair scarf or coat is completely inside the train, I have seen sleeves wigs and skirts caught in train doors and it is definitely not a good look.