No butts about it.

In today's society we have learned to carry ourselves appropriately (well at least most of us). We dress uniquely for a specific occasion, we dress to flatter our bodies, and we dress to illustrate our awareness of fashion. Now just like clothes we are also aware of our body types today I am specifically addressing butts, the junk in the trunk, the gluteus maximus and our privates. 

Women! 

·         Carry your junk with grace!

·         No butts over pole!

·         No backs against the pole, give others a chance to hold on

·         Be aware, I see some of you ladies leaning on (strange) men, mainly because they look attractive (but remember, not all perverts/rapists are ugly)

·         If something falls, be modest about bending down or over

·         It might be 2013 but showing crack is still whack

MEN!

·         Be conscious of how you stand while holding the handlebars

·         Also no backs against the pole

·         Sometimes you are standing too close to us and you know it

·         If you have to stretch over or around someone to hold on, you may need to move somewhere else or you just may be a pervert.

·         Trying sitting with your legs closed men! We are all trying to get home (preferably with a seat)

This is one of my recent experiences. Late on a Thursday morning my train is trotting slowly along with only minimum amount of commuters - all seated. As new passengers enter and settle, one man makes his mountain man pose too close to a seated passengers face then all hell broke loose. I'd like to assume the seated passenger was mentally unstable because he proceeded to yell at the standing passenger “dude get your D*** outta my face! Are you crazy?” “Why would you stand here?”  “So close?”  “Get outta here, who puts their D*** in someone’s face ”! While everyone began to ridicule the thug, I started smiling.  I am in no way condoning his actions, but I comprehended his argument. I see this happen to women every day, men standing - women seated (in some cases the man will get up to offer the seat) then before you know it his genitalia region begins drifting towards your face, you may try to turn away but guess what? It’s happening. You may choose to allow it or lose your seat but that decision may not be as easy as we think (some folks love to sit). As usual I emphasize moving to another spot if you can, unless you would rather be uncomfortable, but just think of the fact that you are paying all this money for metro cards and you are unable to ride comfortably, just doesn’t seem fair.

Commutable safety tip: Try to allow a small space on the steps when exiting the subway. Just like a car if someone stops suddenly you definitely will crash into him or her.

"Kids ride"

Commuting with kids with requires a lot of patience. I can admit I hated the phrase "kids should be seen but not heard" growing up, but the youths of our contemporary society demand to be seen, herd, felt and smelt. Almost every sensible person meets a kid-crowed bus or train with an immediate "oh shit" thought. Not to say all kids that I come across in transit are rotten, I'm pretty sure a good75% of them are well mannered. It's that 25% that makes this article worth writing, we have all seen bebe's kids. 1 kid is fine. 2 -3kids (with supervision) is ok. However unsupervised kids in groups will get into mischief faster than you can think to yourself "wow where are these kids parents".

Kids tend to get really loud really fast they are unconcerned, and not to mention discombobulated. Young kids are always under the impression that riding the train is a sight seeing fun-tastic event, they stare, point and sit on the seats backwards and usually fall on some random stranger all to entertain themselves, to which the parent may or may not apologize to you for.

Teens and pre teens stand in groups and are willing to participate in any activity that may catch your attention or rub adults the wrong way. Loud, Lusty sexual conversations, peer bashing to spontaneous sing-along of the latest tunes. But whatever these young bloods decide to do older folks are greatly annoyed.

I've seen this one kid getting scolded by his mom retaliate by kicking another random unsuspecting commuter, and the guy just stood there looking sad, until someone brought it to his mothers attention. And what do you when a child strikes you? Me? I just need to get away from the situation ASAP, if I know one thing, it's that parents get very defensive about children even if the child is more rotten than a weeks old apple stuck in the bottom of a trash can.

As usual stay alert and do not be afraid to keep it moving if you observe suspicious/rotten behavior.

Commutable safety tip: if you need to bring oversized objects on the train (eg. A lazy boy, or a cello) just don't. No one likes or wants to be "that guy".


SsPowell.

Don't shuttle bus me!

A Weekend commuter's worst nightmare is the shuttle bus situation.  To those who are not familiar - As per WIKI: A shuttle bus service is a public transport bus service designed to {quickly} transport people between two points. (Not to be confused with a Space shuttle) hahaha. The MTA usually offers this service whenever track work and maintenance needs to be carried within a specific area (usually on the weekends).  I’ve observed that only in a few instances the train station might exhibit posters to inform commuters about changes in service. The other 85% of the time you get to the bus stop and wait in desperation until the bus finally snails its way to your stop; good news right? The bad news is that it is way too packed to get on. You arrive at the train station you hear that undecipherable message which you just have to assume has something to do with the fact that your bus was late - and the train that usually arrives every 4 minutes is nowhere in sight after 15 minutes. (Sometimes busses are pulled from the route for shuttle purposes)

The thought creeps into your mind but you ignore it until you finally hear a clear announcement in the train that they will be shuttle bussing you. Simultaneously everyone begins murmuring to each other, expressing their disgust as soon as you exit at whatever stop you have to meet the "shittle" bus.

 You usually see a bunch of police officers roaming around to keep some form of order, just in case an angry commuter decides to act on their feeling of total disgust for a 20 min  commute taking 2 hrs.

 Shuttle buses are usually packed and runs along the route of your train line. Ironically the shuttle bus drivers always seem to be way more annoyed than the commuters, more than likely because they have to answer an additional 30 more questions per hour than usual about what stops they will be making.  Can you even imagine a tourist, filled with spirit and adventure, and an upside down map of course sucked into the shuttle bus black hole, lost for a half of eternity? Just the thought of it makes me angry and tired.

 SHUTTLE

S-Sucks teeth (every one does this when the shuttle bus announcement is made)

H-Helpless  (you feel helpless and begin to question the relevance of your destination)

U-Unexpected confusion (what?, where?, why?, when?)

T-Tightly packed busses (cheek to cheek)

T- Time consuming (twenty regular commuting minutes = 1hour in shuttle bus time)

L- Lost in transit (literally)

E- Enraged (self explanatory)

When encountering a shuttle bus situation be prepared to shake out that last bit of patience you had stored up for a rainy day, be alert and try to follow whatever directions the posters or MTA personnel may have to offer no matter how confusing >>See image below<<. Expect to arrive at your destination minimum 15 minutes late. Don’t freak out, and last but not least- no fighting (trains and busses will be extraordinarily packed).

Commuter safety tip: always try to have back up cab fare or a secret metro card. You never know when you might need help getting home or fleeing a scene in a hurry!

Night ride, fright ride...

"The freaks come out at night"

The usual commuter travels between the hours of 7am to around 9:30 pm... But have you ever thought to yourself while laying down at nights-"I wonder what's going on the trains at this time?. No you say? hahaha,ok but  those that have dared to commute during the dark times are witnesses to the sinister characters that ride the trains after commuter hrs.

You have been cordially invited to the bum party; every other cart is usually inhabited by a bum, exuded guts or some other undesirable find.

I have conducted hard hitting research on the List of things my commutable readers have seen being a night rider-

• - Naked bums
• - Giant rats
• - Couples in need of a hotel room
• - Flashers
• - Some random person dressed as a vampire?
• - A regular commuter desperately requesting a smoke from a bum?
• - Deranged clown?
• - Someone so drunk they don't know what direction the train is heading
• - Nicky Manaj? that wasnt nicky bro...

The amount of effort and awareness required to travel during regular commuter hours are doubled on the night shift, where freaks lurk waiting to reveal their freakish nature, where thieves sit still, waiting for an opportunity to pick your apple...gadgets that is.  

Heading home one late night from the Barclay’s center my friend and I was appalled when a young man entered our cart and proceeded to sit across from us dressed in full drag ... Female attire, a fancy wig and the whole works... A pair of dark glasses (at night) and a --full grown mustache? Wow one of these items do not belong. We had to dig deep in order to find the self-control to conduct ourselves appropriately,until we had the opportunity to scamper off dying of laughter. 

In the daytime our expectations are so high without us realizing it, then at nights it lowers ... To accommodate whatever may slither out of the darkness into your train cart but just remember it’s only a night ride, fright ride.

Commutable safety tip: unzipped bags are always an invitation for thieves. Zip up and stay alert till next commutable!

Solicit me - solicit me not!

Solicitors according to bing.com/dictionary means: to try to get something by making insistent requests or pleas.

15th century. Via French < Latin sollicitare "disturb"

Public transport seems to be the perfect market place for solicitation. Have you ever wondered why?

A commuters mind is in a restful and vulnerable state while commuting, and while most choose music or other forms of distraction to pass the time, others fall prey to the fairy tails, dancing, singing, or whatever form craftiness solicitors have to offer.

Kids with candy: "excuse me ladies and gentlemen" commuters are required to help their basketball team get a new uniform. Parents usually go nuts since kids find it hard to refuse candy for $1.00 yet 1 box of Welsh’s fruit snacks available for $20 contains 80 packets. You do the math.

Veterans: back from war no help from the government, this usually gets a great reaction from the older crowd, and people that are familiar with the veteran community.

 

Music makers:  drums, steel pans, mariachi bands, jazz dazzlers, school bands."spoken word"speakers and magicians. Hip-hop beak dancers are usually a big hit with tourists! I guess nowhere else in the world / or country has transportation with live entertainment.

Well dressed: I’ve recently experienced a well dressed man begging for money on the train, unfortunately I immediately turned my music up and did not listen to his story. Not sure what that was about but I was not interested.

Funny signs: Funny signs are usually what softens a new Yorkers heart. If you can make them chuckle you might get some change.

Cartoon characters: Elmo and friends have become quite a hit, by doing nothing. Anyone can show up in a costume and charge a donation to appear in your lovely family photos; out of towners are usually the suckers for a person in full costume even though Halloween has long gone.

Be aware of Scams!

Ever so often a news report will cover subway scam artist stories, and allow commuters to express their shock and outrage (hilarious). So far I have seen, these few :

1.       Old woman ripping commuters off- she pretends to be homelss but after a hard days work of collecting change she hops in her BMW and drives away.

2.       Wheelchair dude. Every one knows this dude, he wheels in begging for change but can be seen walking home after dark.

3.       Young-dancing kid pretends to fall and or hits head. This was very popular at one point, until I saw the act 3 different times, how sad.

Who do you give your money 2 and why

I have done a little research on one of The Richest Beggars in The World, say hello to Ken Johnson, 52 is one of the richest beggar in the world. He begins his morning begging by sitting near the Myer shop at Sydney Central Business District in New South Wales, Australia. His routine is consistent, close to 16 hours everyday. After some time he began to notice that his cardboard sign makes him more money, generally he would make between $60 and $120 everyday. On a good day he makes close to $300. His total income rose to around $40,000 every year. This is just one of the largest annual incomes recorded from begging activity.

I honestly believe everyone has a soft spot for at least one of the usual solicitation tales we come across daily however before you disburse the donations remember that these stories are usually devised to get a generous reaction from the victim (yes that’s you).

 http://thegrio.com/2011/12/06/new-york-city-man-makes-55000-a-year-selling-candy-on-train/

Commutable safety tip: If you decide to be a door hugger (like me) ensure your clothes, bag, hair scarf or coat is completely inside the train, I have seen sleeves wigs and skirts caught in train doors and it is definitely not a good look.

Wait.. What did you just say?

Commuting with someone familiar usually means one thing- on your mark/get set/ go!!!"chit chat time". Friends, family, co-workers and classmates all engage in a major talkfest from entrance to exit in busses and on trains. Conversations range from grievances at work, relationship drama, sports, all the way to the hottest new or favorite television show. But ever so often I overhear just a small piece of a discussion that makes me think to myself-"wait, what did you say?” I’ve heard various hilarious bits of conversations that have led me to assume either the beginning or conclusion of the story and yes, my imagination usually goes to the extreme. My most recent "wait what" moment came when this woman decided to wrap up her conversation with "it was a booty call gone all wrong"... Whoa what did the body of this conversation entail? I chuckled to myself. A few of my readers have already address the "wait what" phenomenon and they shared a few moments for my entertainment but unfortunately some of the contents were too much for poor commutable to handle but do not worry!  I did manage to pick a small amount of quotes from commuters to share.

-"And I told him he definitely needs to get that looked at"…. (Hmm I wonder what “that” is)

-" That’s why I let my dog do his business on their lawn"…. (What ever happened to loving thy neighbor?)

-"If plan a doesn't work, then straight to plan b because we have to show them that we mean business"...  (Plan B sound very suspicious to me)

- And most recently one rider was inquiring about a drink that Rider # 2 was carrying in his hand and he replied a power shake with ginseng, helps me focus. Rider #1 - under his breath "focus? Just do a few LINES for focus dude….

 (Whoa, my life would have been better off with out that) 

Personally I think conversations should be at least filtered/ and or edited before introducing them to the public. I’m pretty sure you have heard a few of these crazy bits that immediately makes you think- I don't think I should be hearing this. And as usual i dream of the day that I will see tickets being issued for individuals who expose our minds to these poisonous/ yet sometimes hilarious conversations, that linger in our minds, If even for a few seconds, because time lost can never be regained. 

Commutable safety tip: Be aware of these nutty dancers on the train, one man almost got kicked in the face trying to play it cool with these B Boys busting  "dope moves".

Ssp.

Is anyone else out there?

Riding the subway I usually have experiences that make me wonder - does anyone else out there share the same experiences that I do and react in a similar manner?

Well today I got that answer, enter big guy reading his newspaper. I usually stress that mannerisms and consideration is the key to a decent commute. The empty train allowed "big newspaper man" to just relax and enjoy his early morning news paper for all it was worth. Licking his fingers to help turn each page carefully, he sighed right before he flipped each page. Seeing how pleasant and calm he appeared it made even me relaxed to see someone without that usual "I am not a morning person" look stamped on their forehead.

Here comes a couple looking for a cozy seat to sit. Ignoring the mass of empty space available, they made the not so clever decision to snuggle up with big newspaperman. Now as I do my (hold on a second, that’s not ok) look, big newspaperman immediately flashed a look of his own, and to me it said "are you guys crazy?" clearly indicating that he was not down with the snuggle posse. 

As his look met with mine, I smiled inside, thinking I've just found a commutable relative that is fully aware of the regulations of the proximity rule. Without another expression big newspaperman speedily relocated to an empty seat and continued to divulge in his newspaperism. His deep annoyance towards the cuddle couple led me to observe his every move and expression.

A few minutes sooner than later a female passenger dares to sneeze twice, and not cover her face, I guess she thought she was pretty enough to pull that off! My eyes were locked unto big newspaper man as I noticed he had pulled the newspaper really close to his face and instantly gave her the death stare, I guess she was cute but not cute enough, he probably even held his breath for a second, I know that’s probably what I would do. All this man wanted was to read his paper and get to his destination in peace and what did he get couple that tried to snuggle, and possibly cold or the flu, but I guess he will find out within the next two weeks.

I Was always described as being sensitive, however big newspaper man has taught me that I am not alone in my sensitive commute, he also find passengers standing or sitting too close to him in an empty train strange. He also does not want to share his air with an inconsiderate sneezing commuter, not that anyone else would want that, but his reactions were priceless to say the least and to that I say WELCOME big newspaper man we are one people.

Commutable safety tip:  Let closing doors close, sticking your hand or bag in the doors does not guarantee that you will get in.

SsPowell.