Bum check please!

Weary from hard work we all often fall victim to that frightening wake up stench of bums. Even the most alert will once in a while jump in a cart without bum checking first. Bums: - are not to be mistaken with homeless or begging patrons. These few details will allow you to differentiate a bum from other randomness while commuting.

·         Bum black bags.

·         Bum cart

·         Bum ensembles

·         Unnecessary baggage

·         Bum stench

Once you have confirmed that you are in the presence of a certified bum you might want to:

1.      Stand close to an exit and switch carts at the next stop unless you feel invincible and you can weather the stench, and to that I say good luck.

2.      Ensure you have a clear pathway for airflow that is not sweeping in from the Bums direction.

3.       Keep a safe distance in case the bum makes a dash for the exit. Don’t get Bum bumped.

4.      Stay alert.

Tricky bums.

Over a few years I've come to discover new specie of bums I've nicknamed tricky bums. These bums are not in generic bum attire. They do not carry, extra-baggage however, what they do carry is an extra serving of bum stench. I encountered my 1st tricky bum around 4 years ago; tired from a long day I jumped on a train, before bum checking. After everything was settled the stench showed up and said howdy. I wondered to myself could I have been that irresponsible? Is this a bum cart? But there was no bum to be seen. The crowd started shifting from the stench but it seemed as if the stench was everywhere. In the end it was a woman nicely dressed in a floral print summer dress. We only figured after she exited because the stench went with her. I describe this as bum trickery since the lady kept moving in the mists of the angry commuters but because she was well put together she was automatically not an obvious suspect. Tricky bums usually set off panic within a cart because being in a packed cart unable to identify the source of a stench is frightening.

Commutable alert tip – if you like standing by doors while commuting (I do) remember to keep your gadgets tucked away for the majority of the ride. Thieves like to grab and dash, usually from the person standing closest to the exit.